My single years were spent fighting my table for one status. Instead of embracing the opportunity to cultivate an appreciation for my own company and seeing God’s timing as all knowing, I fixated on what I did not have at the time–a spiritual partner to share my life.
I cried. I pouted. I pitched a fit.
So many of us fall into deprivation thinking and feel stuck in a dead end pattern. It’s part of human nature, the mind game of comparative thinking, the glass is half empty syndrome and the attitude of I want what I don’t have. It is the devil’s temptation to trick us into thinking that we know better than God and our time line is the only one that matters.
It took me years, I mean YEARS, of mismatched, awkward and inappropriate relationships with men to wake up, smell the cafecito and recognize that something bigger was at work and at stake. That something that was at stake was my soul and, ultimately, my heart for God. What was at work was God’s grace. Through prayer and worship and the passage of T I M E, I was basically forced to surrender my will to Him. I eventually “got” that I didn’t have a clue what or who was right for me.
With a white flag raised, I fell on my knees in tears exhausted by all my efforts to be better, to ‘fix” myself and to “find” my perfect partner. I had nothing more to offer. I was exhausted, depleted and done. There was nothing I could DO to make this any better. I had to stop acting, stop doing, listen and trust.
Surrender is no easy task, no matter if you are giving up the need to be right or letting go of how things “should” be, look, etc. I continually struggle every day with releasing the need to manage other driver’s behavior in rush hour and trusting that when I’m ready, the perfect job opportunity will appear.
There can be a collective cultural amnesia (especially in the United States) that free will is paramount. If we try hard enough, we will get our success the way we want it, when we want it. But, there is, fortunately, more mystery in life.
God is always ready for our transformation and growth, The minute we show up in surrender, his grace sweeps in and paves the way . But, until we get to that sweet pain point, our suffering is for naught.
Accepting my spiritual singledom as God’s gift was the biggest step of spiritual surrender in my life at the time. It led me to humility and release. It showed me that every stage in life is a gift and it’s our spiritual work to take it in, be open and let it change us for good.