Instead of pretending that #pandemiclife is anything else but a hot mess, I’m opening to crushing the facade of pretense, assumption, and appearances. This is most certainly true in the realm of social justice. Authority, institutions, statues, and history (the stories we learn and tell ourselves) are being questioned and challenged– and becoming more transparent and real. The ugliness, the betrayal is coming to the surface. And, it belongs to all of us.
I’m not sure why or how I got the idea to wean myself off of anti-depressants NOW while giving sobriety a quarantine whirl. If that’s not a double dose of reality, I don’t’ know what is. But I’m doing it. Moment by moment.
My husband and I were on a quick grocery run and he said, “We just need to go easier on ourselves and not be so stressed.” (This was at the end of a tough marriage day.) And, I retorted, “Well, we’re not drinking alcohol so that’s a big factor.”
No numbing out here. It’s 5 pm never.
Doing the math, I have one meltdown (minimally) per week. When I think God has gone on vacation and no one is reading my prayer memos for weeks.
Despair, impatience, frustration, exasperation resurface. It’s a messy process and humbling. I feel helpless. Emotion builds up past my personal threshold and I end up floored, frustrated, and on my knees in the closet.
You can call it perimenopause, depression, anxiety. I call it #mypandemiclife.
Sometimes I wish I’d retreat faster. That I’d go to God sooner rather than later–when I’m flattened and a mascara mess of tears and wave a white flag of surrender. Why do I forget–again and again–that this is bigger than me?
Maybe it’s hubris, sin, or just my own stubbornness. I’m learning the hard way these days. Meltdowns are inevitable when massive amounts of cosmic, social, and personal change abound in the world. We are forced to cope with circumstances outside of ourselves.
We don’t’ have any more “for certain.” Our health and security and livelihoods all waver out of bounds. We cannot assume that traditions will be in place or our routines will be restored.
I’m reframing my mental health and spiritual mindset to allow for more mishaps, crises, and catastrophes. I’m getting more okay with my life falling apart because there is growth on the other side. There is no other option but to keep going, feel all of it and get up again.
I’d rather surrender so I can find more peace of mind. That is my prayer to let go of what I thought happiness was. So I can usher in a new kind of happy and open up to what will be.
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